I've decided to start this blog for me. I doubt anyone will even read this but that's okay because I'm writing this for me. I feel like a blog is the perfect release for me to get my emotions out and in the open. Today I'm going to share with you a great experience that really reminded me that God is really always there for me. Being in high school, my faith has been slowly escaping as I make up excuses that I have plans, practice, or homework. But how can I be so selfish to say that I'm too busy for God? I'm not too busy to go to parties or hang out with my friends but I'm too busy to spend time with the one person who will never leave me nor forsake me? I'm afraid that I will never get back to my faith. I find myself questioning God all the time. If he really is real why did he put me through this? Why am I so unhappy? He doesn't love me. But after today I realized even through all the horrible sin, all the horrible things I've done, he loves me. That's the most beautiful thing.
I've been under a lot of stress lately because of school. My school is so competitive and it is filled with some of the most intelligent kids in the country. Recently ACT scores came out and everyone has been talking about who got 36's. Every day at school, people just talk about college, GPA, scholarships, and ACT/SAT. It's exhausting hearing my friends talk about their accomplishments. I begin to evaluate myself? What have i done? Everyone I know is good at at least one subject...but I feel like I'm just average at everything. I talked to my sister about how I felt. I told her that I felt worthless compared to the other kids. I can't do science, math, English, or even econ. Is there anything I can do? I never cried so much in my life. She kept telling me my personality is what I have. That my ability to talk to any person and make them smile is a gift. She said that people love being around me and that will help me in the future. I said bullshit. How is personality supposed to get me into college, if i don't even have the grades for it.
The next day I went to go see my English teacher after school about my essay. I was so discouraged cause I scored poorly yet again. The prompt was if i believed that a person's ownership of tangible items was what made them grow in character or if ownership of items had nothing to do with a person's sense of self. She told me to think about how I felt about that prompt. What she told me next is what made me realize that God was there for me that day. She told me that I was such a positive force in the classroom and that everyone loved being around me. She said that I have the ability to make everyone smile and want to be happy. I don't know where it came from but she just said it. She said that's the kind of person you just are. So being that kind of person, how do you feel about this prompt? I was shocked I didn't know what to say. She had told me everything I needed to hear after talking to my sister. I feel like God got to me through my english teacher that. If I hadn't had heard my teacher say those words to me I would have went home feeling like a worthless piece of shit who just failed another assignment. Even though I haven't even acknowledged God in my life he still cares. BUT WHY? Do i deserve God? I'm so blessed with so many things in my life I don't know how i can be so selfish. I wish i had answeres you know? But what I got out of this was that you matter. Don't just focuse on your shortcomings. We all have something special in us. God put us on this earth for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what the hell that reason is. But when you do, it's worth it. It really feels like a million bucks.
